(Editor’s note: The writer of this article lives in Zone B. Nevertheless, he has promised to tell this story without any bias.)
BEACHWOOD – It all started innocently enough. Elliott Wohl posted to a Beachwood Facebook group saying “good night,” but only to Zone A, because nobody else matters.
Those were fighting words.
Before long, the four zones were talking smack online. It soon became time to put up or shut up. A softball tournament was held to determine which was the best zone, even though it’s obviously Zone B.
(Editor’s note: The writer of this article has been warned not to show any more bias. We now return to the article.)
As Natasha Fennell of Zone D said, “Somebody made a joke and it turned into a game.”
The zones only exist for one reason: so people know when their trash, recycling, and bulk pick-up is. It’s shown on a map mailed to every homeowner. That’s why garbage cans were on the trophy. It’s probably accurate to say that no one really thought much about their zone until the gauntlet was thrown and then signs started popping up like “Zone A Rules.”
“The reason Zone A is the best is because after we party all weekend, our trash gets taken first,” Elliott Wohl explained. He was one of many who helped assemble the informal softball championship.
Jeff Hann and Shaun White talked about what made Zone B the best: they take part in everything that makes Beachwood great. The biggest haunted house is there, and during the town-wide yard sale, there are two or three on every block, and they had the most players show up to the first game of the day.
As they were preparing for the first game, someone drove past and shouted “Zone A rules!”
Hann muttered under his breath “They probably can’t even spell A.”
Zone C is the best because “Everybody’s friendly,” said Marilyn Calandriello. She talked about how neighbors will shovel her driveway in the snowstorm and other ways that “We look out for each other.”
Zone D has the best of everything, Nikki Nesbihal said. There’s the beach, the ice cream shop, the liquor store, Rite Aid and CVS “and good neighbors.”
Then she added “And we’re the coolest.”
Most of these people were wrong, of course. Zone B is clearly the best.
(Editor’s note: All zones are equal. We at the Berkeley Times, Jersey Shore Online and Micromedia Publications do not show favoritism in sporting events. Our legal department wants to let you know that we do not condone this writer’s blatant bias regarding zones.)
In the weeks before the game, the town got on board. People bought signs. They volunteered to help or bring supplies. They organized it themselves. Before long, it was time to see who was really the best zone.
It was time to take out the trash.
The National Anthem was sung, just like at the beginning of pro games. The teams took the field. Two zones fought on one field while the other two faced off on the other. Each zone wore a different color.
But a funny thing happened. It became clear that the rivalry was nothing more than posturing. If a zone had much fewer members, someone would switch teams. If someone made a good play, there was applause from both sides. When a base got stolen, everyone laughed. It was all in good fun.
Ultimately, Zone C was victorious. But that was hardly the point. The point was just to come out as a community and have some fun.
(Editor’s note: OK, much better.)
“You know who the best zone is? We all are,” said Donna Heath of Zone D.
On August 29, there will be a different Battle of the Zones, this one being a kayak relay race held at the Beachwood Yacht Club. You might not see the last of these zone signs, as the softball game was referenced as the First Annual Battle of the Zones. Next year, Zone B will take its rightful place at the top.
(Editor’s note: Sigh…)
